Resiliance is the ability to cope with the inevitable adversity and challenges that come our way. When we focus only on happiness, we push away pain and it can feel shameful to struggle.
But when we focus on how we manage difficult situations; are we able to be compassionate and firm with ourselves in the midst of struggle, do we show up when we need to (and let ourselves off the hook when we don’t), do we hold ourselves steady inside ourselves, have we good social support…? Then we can develop pride in ourselves even when things are tough.
I have been thinking about what would be the most useful continuation of my blog, as I haven’t regularly posted in a number of years, and I got to thinking about the things that I often say to clients in the therapy room, and why.
(If you’re a client of mine, you’ve likely heard this one!)
‘How does that sound when you say it out loud?’
Sometimes I ask this when someone has voiced something shadowy and unclear from inside themselves, a self-critical thought or something that is perhaps emotionally true but not necessarily actually true (eg they will leave me if I am not perfect).
Other times I ask this when someone has said something important or painful; she left me, it wasn’t my fault, Itried.
It is both a way of calling attention to whatever has been said, and inviting reflection.
Sometimes the only way to know we have been operating on an out of date belief is to hear it and not let ourselves follow those familiar and painful tram lines. Sometimes the way that we really take in something painful or true is to say it out loud, to ourselves or (importantly) to another human being.
Try it. Take a shadowy half truth, bring it into the light, and make it solid. Is it true?
There’s a particular ache that comes with wanting to create and feeling unable to. The blank page, the unopened sketchbook, the half-finished idea gathering dust. For many of us—especially those who’ve internalised high expectations, shame, or the need to “get it right”—creative blocks aren’t just frustrating. They’re deeply personal.
And often, perfectionism is sitting quietly at the root.
What Perfectionism Really Is
Perfectionism isn’t about having high standards. It’s about fear.
Fear of being judged. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of what might surface if we let ourselves be truly seen.
It’s a protective strategy—one that often begins early, especially for those of us who’ve had to perform safety, competence, or likability to survive. For queer folks, neurodivergent folks, and anyone who’s lived under the gaze of marginalisation, perfectionism can be a way of shielding ourselves from harm.
But the cost is steep. It can silence our creativity, disconnect us from joy, and leave us feeling stuck in cycles of self-criticism and avoidance.
The Anatomy of a Creative Block
Creative blocks aren’t laziness. They’re often a nervous system response.
When the stakes feel high—when we fear failure, rejection, or exposure—our bodies may freeze. We procrastinate, distract, or spiral into overthinking. The inner critic gets loud. The body tightens. The impulse to create becomes tangled with dread.
And yet, creativity is a birthright. It’s not about producing masterpieces. It’s about expression, connection, and aliveness.
In Therapy, We Might Explore…
The stories and beliefs that fuel perfectionism
How shame and fear show up in the body
The impact of trauma, identity, and internalised oppression on creativity
Ways to gently reconnect with play, curiosity, and self-trust
We might use somatic tools to notice where tension lives. We might explore early relational dynamics that shaped your sense of worth. We might sit together in the discomfort of the blank page—and learn that it doesn’t have to mean failure.
Reflective Prompts
Try journaling with these:
What does “getting it right” mean to me—and where did that story begin?
What sensations arise in my body when I think about creating?
What would it feel like to create without needing it to be good?
What am I afraid will happen if I let myself be seen?
A Different Kind of Creativity
Healing perfectionism isn’t about lowering your standards. It’s about shifting the goalposts—from “impressive” to “authentic,” from “flawless” to “alive.”
It’s about letting your work be messy, tender, and true. It’s about making space for the part of you that longs to speak, even if your voice shakes. It’s about remembering that creativity isn’t a performance—it’s a relationship.
And like all relationships, it needs care, patience, and permission to evolve.
Wherever you are on the scale, it can be hard to resist the desire to drink, so here is a list of useful tips and suggestions (although it is by no means comprehensive), that may help if you are trying hard not to drink, but are finding that you want to.
Make a plan
It can help to have a plan for when a craving hits: make a list of things that might help, and carry it with you or put it somewhere easily accessible to you for when you want to drink. For example, if you usually drink at home alone, you could leave it in a drawer, or if you’re a pub drinker, you might want to have it on you so you can look at it when the thought or feeling hits.
Know your danger zones, when do you usually want to drink. Include this in your plan.
For example, we are creatures of habit; if you always have a drink when you sit in your favourite chair in front of the telly after a long day at work, when you do sit down at the end of the day in that chair, you’ll probably want a drink. Shake it up; sit somewhere else, call someone instead of watching television, read a book, do out to dinner with a friend, ask someone over. Just changing the pattern can help disrupt the desire to drink.
In the moment:
Get busy! Clean something (even if it’s only your shoes), go for a run, a brisk walk, do something creative, do your accounts. Anything, as long as it gets you out of yourself.
Call someone safe – choose someone who is supportive of your desire to not drink, and who doesn’t trigger difficult feelings in you.
Eat something sweet. There’s a lot of sugar in alcohol so sometimes this can help.
Think of the craving as a wave. And just like a wave, when it is at it’s strongest is usually when it’s just about to break.
Remember: The feeling will pass, whether you drink or not.
Just don’t drink today. If you can’t do that, just don’t drink this hour, this ten minutes, this minute, this second.
If you can’t just not drink, can you put it off? Can you promise yourself that if you still want to drink this intensely in an hour, later that day, or tomorrow, that you will have one? Usually the feelings will have passed by then, and you’ll have another day under your belt.
Longer term:
Have a physical reminder of why you are not drinking to help you ride the wave: a photograph, a diary entry, write yourself a list of consequences/costs/things you want to achieve by not drinking. Anything will do, as long as you can take it out when you’re feeling the desire to drink.
Connect/re-connect with the things that drinking prevented you from doing. Build something in alcohol’s absence that is worth hanging on to.
Notice how much money you’re saving by not drinking. If you can afford it, treat yourself to something nice.
Build a network of supportive people around you, even if ‘just’ online. You will have moments of weakness, that’s normal and to be expected, so you need your network.
Don’t beat yourself up if you do slip; analyse what went wrong, and what you might do differently next time.
Look for patterns
You can look for emotional patterns: trace back to what happened in the moment you started to want to drink, look for thoughts and feelings that seemed to trigger or coincide with the desire to drink. These can be uncomfortable, like anger, fear or sadness, or happier feelings; excitement, connection and joy. You may want to hide from a feeling, or make it stronger or stay longer.
It might be that you need to take action: to set a boundary, make an apology / amend your behaviour, do something that you’ve been putting off. Or it may be that you need to sit with yourself while you feel that uncomfortable thing that you’ve been avoiding.
Longer term work
Is there anything longer term that you need to tackle? Some people really struggle in social situations without alcohol, for example, or lack confidence or self-esteem. Some people find intimacy difficult, or are in an unhappy situation that they are drinking to avoid facing. If so, this might be where therapy could be useful, to help you find your way forward and to give you support as you do.
And finally
If you are really struggling, either drinking again and again when you don’t want to, or finding yourself really adrift once you’ve stopped, it may be that you need other help. If you’ve experienced trauma, for example, you might find this resurfacing when you stop drinking or using, which can be really hard to deal with alone.
There are plenty of low cost charities across the country that provide support to those struggling with alcohol and substance misuse. Your GP can be a useful resource too, as can the anonymous fellowships, such as Alcoholics Anonymous. Therapy can also be a useful source of support.
Note: if you are physically addicted to alcohol, it can be dangerous to go through physical withdrawal and you should seek medical advice and supervision for this. If you’re not sure whether you’re physically addicted but suspect that you might be, please do go and see your GP.
My most recent article for the the Counselling Directory. So many of us really struggle with our inner critic, click here for some tips to help you soften yours.
a space to reflect 